The Perfect Family

Let's start at the beginning. You have just given birth to your precious baby. Everything is perfect in your little world. Yes, you're tired from waking up in the night. The baby can only communicate hunger or pain or tiredness by crying. Your house no longer smells like vanilla scented candles or roses from your romantic husband. Those smells are replaced by the smell of diapers and spit up. But you don't mind. This little blessing is more important to you than those little inconveniences.

After a few months that little ball of joy begins to roll around, scooting close to dangerous places around your home. Within another couple months, he starts to crawl up to furniture and pull up into a standing position. Now, you have to move all your breakables, candles, wedding gifts, and boxes of tissue out of the baby's reach. You “baby-safe” your home. Then, there's no resting anymore. You are constantly moving the baby back to where you can see him. Taking the little tidbits that the vacuum forgot out of his fists before they make it to his mouth. Nap time is all you're living for at this point, and this continues through them learning to walk...and then run. The only difference is that you are now running too.

Your baby is developing motor skills and vocabulary skills. He still cries when he is hungry or hurting or tired, but now he adds a little flare with a bit of screaming, stomping, and dropping to the floor in complete rebellion. You have learned to read his sign language, so you know what he wants even when he doesn't feel like talking. You are such a good parent that you are completely in tune with his needs and desires. He gets through his first birthday and is almost 2 and life is perfect. In fact, you are getting along so well with this new addition that you and your sweetheart are considering adding a little girl to complete “the perfect family”.

So, here you are with your cute little belly and your 2 year old going to the playground and on trips to the grocery store. He has begun to see things at the store he wants and realizes that you can buy them, and then he can take them home. You know he doesn't need them, but he is going through a lot of stress with your pregnancy. So, you buy him a few toys. He does deserve them, and anyway it'll keep him busy in the shopping cart and on the way home. After a while, though, your husband starts to question if all these toys are necessary. The money is getting tight and the toys are overtaking the house. You are beginning to drown in Little People and Matchbox cars and DEBT! So, the next time you go to the store he asks for a toy, and you say “No, not this time, Honey.” This is met with a plea. “No, Sweetie”. Next a little scream. “Mommy already told you 'no'”. And then...the tantrum, right there in the middle of Walmart. The blood rushes to your head and you turn completely red in the face. What are people thinking about you right now? So, you give in and then BAM! You have placed him as the head of your home. Complete with crown and scepter.   And, boy does he pick up on that right away!

That makes you stop to think: Where did he learn that he can control you? When did this all start? Is it just that he's entering his terrible 2's? I very firmly believe the answer to that question is “No!” . This will no doubt offend some people out there, but I believe that “the terrible twos” is a myth. Bear with me for a second, but what if the only reason it seems that your 2 year old is out of control is that you are all of a sudden trying to control him? He has made his own decisions from the day he was born. He told you when to change him, feed him, give him a toy, put him in bed, clean up his puke, and the list goes on. At his first grunt or whimper you gave him his paci. Whenever he cried you offered him a bottle or breast. If he dropped his toy, you'd pick it up and hand it to him...he'd drop it again, and you'd hand it to him. Somehow, he'd “drop” it all the way across the room, and you'd hand it to him. Maybe, though, he was playing a game with you...Maybe he was training you just like we train a dog. He's been observing you, learning what it takes to get what he wants.

In just your first submission to him he sees that he has power. Is it wrong to give your kids power? For just a minute think back to what your goals for your children are. You DO want them to be responsible and “take charge” kind of people, right? But until they have proven that they can evaluate all the pros and cons, pray for guidance, and accept the consequences for their actions, why would you put that on them? You love them! You want the best for them. And you DO know best...well, at least you know better than they do. More than what you know, you have the ability to seek God's counsel. Not only that, but you are called to seek him: “If any one lack wisdom, let him ask of God.” (James 1:5) And we have already established that God wants us to train up our children in the way they should go. Not watch our children go the way they are going to go. We absolutely must train them! Not be trained by them!

So, if you're reading this and thinking to yourself, "That's exactly where we are!" Don't despair. The great thing about kids is that just as it was easy for them to learn how to control you, they can be taught to obey and respect(and they must be taught, because it does not come naturally!) And if you're brand new parents, Yay! You don't have to undo bad habits. Commit to following God's parenting plan, and you will not regret it!

Nobody has a perfect family. God doesn't expect you to have perfect children.  He has given us a will to make choices for ourselves. Just as our children make poor choices, we do too. But does that mean we should sit back and live with the consequences? Or should we try to fix our mistakes? I think we should try to fix things as fast as we can. If things aren't working, let's find out why and make it work! And make our families as perfect as humanly possible for God's glory! After all, doesn't Matthew 28:19 call us to make disciples? What excuse do we have for spending our energy outside of our home looking for opportunities to make disciples but ignoring the perfectly teachable disciple candidates we have sitting in our own homes? 1 Timothy 3:4-5 explain that concept best in the list of qualifications for church leaders: "He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him, and he must do so in a manner worthy of full respect. (If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God’s church?"

First comes love, then comes marriage, then come babies trying to wreck our marriage!

Before you can be effective as parents, you must first check your marriage for flaws and imperfections that can hinder your parenting. Marriage is hard work! Very hard work! But if you have entered into the marriage covenant and brought children into this world, then you are responsible to make that marriage work. When the Bible says,“Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it” (Prov. 22:6 NIV), don't you think that means that you should train them how to be married? You have an opportunity to live out an example of unconditional love, communication, service, respect, and friendship. Your marriage should paint a picture of the relationship between Christ and the church. The purpose in this blog is not for marriage counsel, so please take time to evaluate your marriage. If your relationship needs counsel, then please take action. Get help. Don't wait until your family has fallen apart.

In our 10 years of marriage Matt and I have gone through some rough times: 5 pregnancies (that's a total of 45 months!),5 newborn babies, 5 toddlers, financial stress, getting out of debt, buying a house, job changes, watching my sister fight cancer, helping care for her children after she lost that fight, hernia surgeries for Matt and both our boys, knee surgery for Matt, a series of 3 surgeries for myself, losing my dad to a heart attack. The most recent stress for us has been menopause. That's right! I'm 31 and entering my 3rd year of menopause complete with weight gain, hot flashes, moodiness, and headaches. I don't understand how Matt has put up with me all this time! But the how is not really the point. It's the fact that he did! He promised to stay with me 'til death, and that's what he's doing! I don't look like I used to. I feel like an old, old lady. But he still holds me and loves me. Our kids don't understand the whole dynamic of what it means now, but they do see us talking through disagreements and still loving each other in the end. And one day they will look back on this example of true love and gain from it.  I know they feel safe now, and they are seeing how to resolve conflict. Those are two of the greatest gifts we feel we can offer them.

But now I have to admit, it's not always so perfect! As we added each new little life into this world we had a lot of adjustments to make. We had to learn how to balance our marriage and kids. I have been guilty millions of times of putting my kids before Matt. I have been so caught up in caring for a newborn or playing with a toddler that I have gone days or even weeks without taking time to think of Matt and how's he's feeling. I will wear myself out each day in doing things for the kids and have no energy left to give him at the end of the day. Then...our relationship is compromised. We no longer are communicating. I start to flat out not like him. And he doesn't like me. And then guess what! The kids won't obey. They fight and cry all the time. They may not understand why, but our relationship problems cause them stress and eventually harm. 

So, what do we do if that is where we are? Let me just share what I have done...and it's worked! I put my cares and needs aside(because, after all, that's the definition of love, right?) and clean up the house.  I pray for my husband. More importantly I pray for myself and confess my failure to truly love him. I prepare a meal I know he'll like. I tell the kids that we're going to clean up the house before Daddy gets home. I get out of my pajama pants and tank top, put on some real clothes, fix my hair, and put on make-up. I talk to the kids about how great their daddy is(even though I still may feel like pointing out his every fault).  I give the kids a bath before he gets home so it's completely out of the way. After dinner I let him relax and enjoy a little time with the kids before we send them off to an early bed. And then we spend some time together with all my hurt and anger set aside. And do you know what? That hurt and anger start to disappear as we reconnect. Sometimes we have to talk through the hurt and anger, but after some tears we can forgive one another and move forward. Obviously that is not going to be possible every night, but maybe once a week it could become a priority.

We have found that when we are on the same page emotionally we parent better. We communicate about the kids, and the kids see us working as a team. We can discipline more effectively, but more importantly we need less discipline because so much of the kids' bad behavior was a result of the stress they felt from us. So in the end, everybody wins! Except for Satan who was hoping for a different ending. And don't you know, he'll attack again just as soon as we feel like we've got it all under control. But we grow more and more each time we come through one of these cycles. And we are careful to give the glory for the victory to God alone! Praise Him for the example of love and forgiveness we can look to when we feel so helpless.

Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it. (Prov. 22:6)

When I first felt God calling me to start writing I was so sure that it would turn me into a famous author, traveling around the world to book signings and speaking at lectures. But then I realized that God wasn't calling me to fame or recognition. He was calling me to help other families who are drowning in chaos that is completely unnecessary. I realized then that this is so much more in my nature and comfort zone. So, now I begin typing without the pressure of editors critiquing me and with simply God and His Word as my guide. And I pray that every couple or single parent that reads these words listens first to God's leading and then takes what help they gather from this blog and begins a journey toward God's plan for their family.

God designed families with an order. He first made the husband: the head of the family, next the wife: his help-meet, and then the children: the parents' responsibilities, treasures, and blessings. That was His plan. But now it seems the world has another plan. They put children first: the head of the home, next the mom: the child's help meet, and finally the father: the provider of every desire of their child. This, however, does not make for a peaceful home or help the children to grow into responsible adults.

Why does the world's plan not work? Think about it. Does a child have the wisdom or knowledge to consider how eating ice cream all day will affect him immediately as well as years down the road? No. Does a child understand that staying up at night until she can't keep her eyes open any longer will impact her mood, health, and brain function the next day? No. And what about giving your child the right to spend your money on their every wish and desire? Does that teach them the value of money? the lesson of learning to be content? the virtue of thinking of others before themselves? No. It only teaches them that their desires will always be met and there is no one more important than themselves, producing selfish and undisciplined adults.

So, what do we do with this world philosophy? We set it aside and we look to the Bible to find God's philosophy. “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.” (Prov. 22:6 NIV) Right there we see that it should not be our goal to have happy children all day long...at any cost. We have a responsibility to set them on the right road to living a meaningful life. Think for a minute of what you envision God wanting to do with their lives. There is no way for us to know His plans for them, but we do know that there are very basic qualities He desires for every human being to possess. It's as simple as the fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Gal. 5:22-23). Please sit for a few minutes and carefully read over these qualities. Does your child demonstrate them? Of course children will still be children, but it is never to early to begin instilling these traits. Your reward will be so worth the efforts you put into raising your children to fear and serve the Lord.

So now you have a decision to make. What are you going to do with these verses? What are you going to do with your children's futures? You have an amazing calling as parents, but you have to follow God and His leading each day.