Before you can be effective as parents, you must first check your marriage for flaws and imperfections that can hinder your parenting. Marriage is hard work! Very hard work! But if you have entered into the marriage covenant and brought children into this world, then you are responsible to make that marriage work. When the Bible says,“Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it” (Prov. 22:6 NIV), don't you think that means that you should train them how to be married? You have an opportunity to live out an example of unconditional love, communication, service, respect, and friendship. Your marriage should paint a picture of the relationship between Christ and the church. The purpose in this blog is not for marriage counsel, so please take time to evaluate your marriage. If your relationship needs counsel, then please take action. Get help. Don't wait until your family has fallen apart.
In our 10 years of marriage Matt and I have gone through some rough times: 5 pregnancies (that's a total of 45 months!),5 newborn babies, 5 toddlers, financial stress, getting out of debt, buying a house, job changes, watching my sister fight cancer, helping care for her children after she lost that fight, hernia surgeries for Matt and both our boys, knee surgery for Matt, a series of 3 surgeries for myself, losing my dad to a heart attack. The most recent stress for us has been menopause. That's right! I'm 31 and entering my 3rd year of menopause complete with weight gain, hot flashes, moodiness, and headaches. I don't understand how Matt has put up with me all this time! But the how is not really the point. It's the fact that he did! He promised to stay with me 'til death, and that's what he's doing! I don't look like I used to. I feel like an old, old lady. But he still holds me and loves me. Our kids don't understand the whole dynamic of what it means now, but they do see us talking through disagreements and still loving each other in the end. And one day they will look back on this example of true love and gain from it. I know they feel safe now, and they are seeing how to resolve conflict. Those are two of the greatest gifts we feel we can offer them.
But now I have to admit, it's not always so perfect! As we added each new little life into this world we had a lot of adjustments to make. We had to learn how to balance our marriage and kids. I have been guilty millions of times of putting my kids before Matt. I have been so caught up in caring for a newborn or playing with a toddler that I have gone days or even weeks without taking time to think of Matt and how's he's feeling. I will wear myself out each day in doing things for the kids and have no energy left to give him at the end of the day. Then...our relationship is compromised. We no longer are communicating. I start to flat out not like him. And he doesn't like me. And then guess what! The kids won't obey. They fight and cry all the time. They may not understand why, but our relationship problems cause them stress and eventually harm.
So, what do we do if that is where we are? Let me just share what I have done...and it's worked! I put my cares and needs aside(because, after all, that's the definition of love, right?) and clean up the house. I pray for my husband. More importantly I pray for myself and confess my failure to truly love him. I prepare a meal I know he'll like. I tell the kids that we're going to clean up the house before Daddy gets home. I get out of my pajama pants and tank top, put on some real clothes, fix my hair, and put on make-up. I talk to the kids about how great their daddy is(even though I still may feel like pointing out his every fault). I give the kids a bath before he gets home so it's completely out of the way. After dinner I let him relax and enjoy a little time with the kids before we send them off to an early bed. And then we spend some time together with all my hurt and anger set aside. And do you know what? That hurt and anger start to disappear as we reconnect. Sometimes we have to talk through the hurt and anger, but after some tears we can forgive one another and move forward. Obviously that is not going to be possible every night, but maybe once a week it could become a priority.
We have found that when we are on the same page emotionally we parent better. We communicate about the kids, and the kids see us working as a team. We can discipline more effectively, but more importantly we need less discipline because so much of the kids' bad behavior was a result of the stress they felt from us. So in the end, everybody wins! Except for Satan who was hoping for a different ending. And don't you know, he'll attack again just as soon as we feel like we've got it all under control. But we grow more and more each time we come through one of these cycles. And we are careful to give the glory for the victory to God alone! Praise Him for the example of love and forgiveness we can look to when we feel so helpless.
Love it, darling. Blessings
ReplyDeleteSabra