Our church asked Matt and me to teach a breakout session on parenting a few months ago. People have come to me since asking for our notes and sharing that they had friends whom they wished could have been there. So...I am going to attempt to blog out our notes into something that makes sense. And also, I'm going to give a little disclaimer: we don't base any of our parenting on books we've read. There have been a couple books I've read some pages in, but the only book to which I can accredit our parenting success is the Word of God. Therefore these 2 posts will be plum full of scripture. The one thing we can always count on is God's Word! And I would advise each of you to never turn to a book(or blog!) for parenting advice without checking it against God's Word.
Matt and I both come from very large families. I was the 8th out of 10 children, and he was the 3rd out of 11! So, when I say we "only have 5" it's because we have a relatively small family in comparison. We were both blessed to be brought up in Christian homes and disciplined in love. Since Matt was one of the first children in his home he was able to watch his parents teach and guide his younger siblings. He gained great insight into the importance of training children. I was also fortunate because I was able to watch my siblings parent their children. I was babysitting by 13 and started nannying by 18. I had so many opportunities to see good and bad parenting, and I began forming a parenting plan when I was still a teenager. I cannot begin to express how thankful I am for the advantage we were both given. God was blessing our home before we were even married!
We are called to “Train up our children in the way they should go” (Proverbs 22:6). We all have goals for our children. We want them to be happy, healthy, well educated, and eventually in a good marriage with a good job and giving us some grandbabies to spoil. But is that what God has called us to desire for them? Those things aren't bad, but He has a different list of priorities. We can't know whether our children will be doctors, lawyers, pastors, housewives, or whatever career they will find. That's not for us to know yet. So, what is "the way they should go”? First, we know that they need to have a personal relationship with Christ. We are all born with a sin nature. Psalm 51:5NIV says, "Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me." No mother wants to think of her precious new baby as sinful. I remember one day right after I had our last child. It was Christmas time. My oldest niece was in town on a break from Bible school for the holidays. She was sitting across the living room holding my brand new baby, just days old. I looked over and said, "Isn't she so perfect?" My very outspoken niece answered, "No, she's a little sinner!" It was like a slap across the face! True! But it still stung! But no matter how sweet and innocent our kids seem they still need a Savior and a personal relationship with Him!
One of my favorite parts of being a mom is listening to my kids talk to God like He's a friend sitting right beside them. One Sunday morning our 4th child who was about 4 at the time had a little melt-down over the shoes she wanted to wear to church that morning. The day before we had received some hand-me-down clothes and shoes from a cousin. In the mix were a pair of brown dress shoes and a pair of shiny(key word!) black dress shoes. Her dress that Sunday morning went perfectly with the brown shoes which I told her to wear, but she wanted to wear the shiny black ones. She had a little "fit" but went to church wearing the brown ones like I told her. That morning during prayer before snack in her class(where I happened to be the teacher) she prayed the whole story out to God, "Mommy told me to wear the brown shoes. And I didn't want to wear the brown shoes. I wanted to wear the black ones, but I wore the brown ones like Mommy told me." My heart was so thrilled to hear her talking to our Father in heaven about what was weighing on her heart.
Matt and I both come from very large families. I was the 8th out of 10 children, and he was the 3rd out of 11! So, when I say we "only have 5" it's because we have a relatively small family in comparison. We were both blessed to be brought up in Christian homes and disciplined in love. Since Matt was one of the first children in his home he was able to watch his parents teach and guide his younger siblings. He gained great insight into the importance of training children. I was also fortunate because I was able to watch my siblings parent their children. I was babysitting by 13 and started nannying by 18. I had so many opportunities to see good and bad parenting, and I began forming a parenting plan when I was still a teenager. I cannot begin to express how thankful I am for the advantage we were both given. God was blessing our home before we were even married!
We are called to “Train up our children in the way they should go” (Proverbs 22:6). We all have goals for our children. We want them to be happy, healthy, well educated, and eventually in a good marriage with a good job and giving us some grandbabies to spoil. But is that what God has called us to desire for them? Those things aren't bad, but He has a different list of priorities. We can't know whether our children will be doctors, lawyers, pastors, housewives, or whatever career they will find. That's not for us to know yet. So, what is "the way they should go”? First, we know that they need to have a personal relationship with Christ. We are all born with a sin nature. Psalm 51:5NIV says, "Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me." No mother wants to think of her precious new baby as sinful. I remember one day right after I had our last child. It was Christmas time. My oldest niece was in town on a break from Bible school for the holidays. She was sitting across the living room holding my brand new baby, just days old. I looked over and said, "Isn't she so perfect?" My very outspoken niece answered, "No, she's a little sinner!" It was like a slap across the face! True! But it still stung! But no matter how sweet and innocent our kids seem they still need a Savior and a personal relationship with Him!
One of my favorite parts of being a mom is listening to my kids talk to God like He's a friend sitting right beside them. One Sunday morning our 4th child who was about 4 at the time had a little melt-down over the shoes she wanted to wear to church that morning. The day before we had received some hand-me-down clothes and shoes from a cousin. In the mix were a pair of brown dress shoes and a pair of shiny(key word!) black dress shoes. Her dress that Sunday morning went perfectly with the brown shoes which I told her to wear, but she wanted to wear the shiny black ones. She had a little "fit" but went to church wearing the brown ones like I told her. That morning during prayer before snack in her class(where I happened to be the teacher) she prayed the whole story out to God, "Mommy told me to wear the brown shoes. And I didn't want to wear the brown shoes. I wanted to wear the black ones, but I wore the brown ones like Mommy told me." My heart was so thrilled to hear her talking to our Father in heaven about what was weighing on her heart.
I love this story in Luke 12:13-21NLT. It's a bit long, but it just drives in the point that we should desire a personal relationship with Christ for our children.
Then someone called from the crowd, “Teacher, please tell my brother to divide our father’s estate with me.”Jesus replied, “Friend, who made me a judge over you to decide such things as that?” Then he said, “Beware! Guard against every kind of greed. Life is not measured by how much you own.”
“But God said to him, ‘You fool! You will die this very night. Then who will get everything you worked for?’
“Yes, a person is a fool to store up earthly wealth but not have a rich relationship with God.”
I don't think any explanation is need there!
Once our children have a personal relationship with God the next goal we should have is for them to live out the Fruits of the Spirit. I could try to explain the importance in them, or you could just read this passage. Galatians 5:13-23NLT says, "For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love. For the whole law can be summed up in this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”But if you are always biting and devouring one another, watch out! Beware of destroying one another.
So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves. The sinful nature wants to do evil, which is just the opposite of what the Spirit wants. And the Spirit gives us desires that are the opposite of what the sinful nature desires. These two forces are constantly fighting each other, so you are not free to carry out your good intentions. But when you are directed by the Spirit, you are not under obligation to the law of Moses.
When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God.
But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!
Don't you wish that when we accept Christ as our Lord and Savior these fruits are automatically present and flourishing in our lives? But the reality is that we have to strive to attain them daily. We have to give ourselves over to the Spirit's control every day. And we have to teach our children to do the same!
And then we want to see them grow into responsible servants of Christ. Luke 12:42-48NLT gives a picture of the blessings in store for a responsible child: And the Lord replied, “A faithful, sensible servant is one to whom the master can give the responsibility of managing his other household servants and feeding them. If the master returns and finds that the servant has done a good job, there will be a reward. I tell you the truth, the master will put that servant in charge of all he owns. But what if the servant thinks, ‘My master won’t be back for a while,’ and he begins beating the other servants, partying, and getting drunk? The master will return unannounced and unexpected, and he will cut the servant in pieces and banish him with the unfaithful. “And a servant who knows what the master wants, but isn’t prepared and doesn’t carry out those instructions, will be severely punished. But someone who does not know, and then does something wrong, will be punished only lightly. When someone has been given much, much will be required in return; and when someone has been entrusted with much, even more will be required.
This is the "way" our children should go. We as parents must set an example of all 3 of these areas in our lives every day! And we need to be humble enough to admit and apologize when we fail in these areas. Pretending like we're perfect and never struggle doesn't help our kids face trials. But walking this journey with them close behind gives them insight and wisdom to thrive in these areas. If they see you having a personal relationship with Christ, they will be likely to strive for a relationship with Him too. If you are walking in the Spirit with the fruits of the Spirit growing daily in your life, they will see them and copy you. If you are responsible with what God has entrusted to you, they will learn responsibility too. It starts with YOU! You have to live your life the way you want to see them live theirs.
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