This last week was so full of ups and downs for me! I felt so often that all I did was scold the kids and punish them. They seemed to always be underfoot and making messes and fighting. And then a moment later I'd be sitting there in awe of how precious and wonderful they are.
I have had many friends make comments to me about how they hate it when little old grannies at the store stop them to say, "Cherish these days. They go by too fast." because they feel like these days can't pass fast enough. Having newborns is hard because we are sleep deprived. If they would just hurry up and sleep through the night everything will be better. Then it's once they can walk life will be easy again. As soon as they're walking it's once they're out of diapers everything will be okay. I just can't wait until they start school and I have days to myself again. After they can do their homework all by themselves...once they can clean up after themselves...when they can stay home alone...after they can drive...And then they're gone! We've been so busy with our agenda of all the things we need to accomplish over the course of a day, week, month, year, stage in life...that we wish away these days and miss out on the joys that being a parent brings.
So I have to stop and wonder what made the difference for me last week. How was I able to have "awe" moments with my kids even with all the trials that parenting brings? The simplest answer is the title of one of my favorite songs, Breathe Deep. That's what I had to do last week. There were moments I felt overwhelmed with all the things I needed to accomplish, and then I stopped, took a nice deep breath, and just watched my kids.
One time I was hurrying through the living room on a mission to get the house cleaned up before Matt got home from work. The kids were all sitting on the couch watching some show, totally engrossed in whatever it was. I could see the thrill in their eyes as something funny was happening and the excitement in my nine-year-old's eyes as he anticipated something that was about to happen. So, I sat down in the recliner and breathed. I simply enjoyed their faces and giggles. Joy just flooded my heart!
Another time I was in a hurry to get everyone out the door to run some errands. You can imagine how that goes with 1 adult to 5 kids! One of our errands was to drop off some money at the church to help buy food for flood victims in Honduras. As I was rushing about trying to brush hair and get shoes on all 12 of our feet I explained our errands to them, and I have to admit I was a little irritated when they all gathered around my bed with their wallets deciding how much they each were going to give. But we were ready to walk out the door! Then I stepped back and breathed! They were thrilled to be able to give(some as much as 80% of all they had and some just a little change). I was in a hurry! I had so much to do. I almost said, "We're giving enough for all of you. Keep your money. We have to go." But this was so much more important. They were worshiping the Lord and I got to watch them!
I almost missed an "awe" moment with my sweet 5 year as I was rushing about trying to get dinner on the table and straighten up the house one night. He burst into tears and cried, "This day is just so sad!" after he had been in trouble for several different things. I almost sent him to his room to cry it out. And then I stopped, breathed, and pulled him into my lap. He told me just how sad the whole day was, and I told him that was exactly what Satan wanted. I reminded him of what our pastor had sad last Sunday...that Satan wants to steal our joy and our effectiveness. He doesn't want kids to obey. He wants mom's to yell. And then I shared the story of Job with him. He was so excited for Job because Job passed the test. He wanted to pass the test! He has been so motivated to pass the tests that have come his way ever since. But we almost missed that chance. I almost let having dinner on the table on time steal that moment with my son.
Moments like these are just a hint of the blessings God has in store for us if we train up our children in the way they should go. The Bible says that when they are old they will not depart from it. That's when we will really get to reap the blessings. But for now we get these moments to watch them, love on them, comfort them, teach them, and learn from them. However, if we are too concerned with accomplishing goals we'll miss these moments. I've decided to sacrifice having a clean house and prompt meals in order to cherish these moments with my family. I can clean my house in 16 years!
Monday, October 24, 2011
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
A Firm Foundation
We want our kids to obey us. Partly because it will make our life easier, right? But our main goal still is to help them become the people God wants them to be. It all comes back to their hearts and where they are in their relationship with Him. Even as young children they are spiritual beings. Why else would God encourage us to have the faith of a child?
Our foundation for disciplining them should be based on the Word of God. Here are the main verses I use in training my children. (NIV)
So here's my trick! I watched my nieces and nephews learn these verses 20 years ago by listening to songs. My kids have learned the same songs. Some of you may think Steve Green is a little too "old school", but he has done an amazing job of putting these verses to music that kids will love and gain from.
Hide 'em in Your Heart vol 1
Hide 'em in Your Heart vol 2
My older kids have mastered all the verses on both albums, so we've moved on to a new set of cd's by the Harrow Family:
God Our Provider
A New Commandment
I also had a friend suggest another whole set which I've listened to online and am super anxious to purchase! You can find them at Seeds Family Worship.
These are some great tools available to help you train your children. But remember: the most important thing for you to do is be consistent with your discipline. Teach them these verses and what they mean, and then follow through! How else will they understand how important the verses are?
Our foundation for disciplining them should be based on the Word of God. Here are the main verses I use in training my children. (NIV)
- Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. [Eph. 6:1]
- “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”[Eph. 6:2-3]
- Do to others as you would have them do to you. [Luke 6:31]
- Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from telling lies.[Psalm 34:13]
- Do everything without grumbling or arguing, [Phil. 2:14]
- Encourage one another and build each other up. [1 Thes. 5:11]
- Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” [Mark 12:30-31]
So here's my trick! I watched my nieces and nephews learn these verses 20 years ago by listening to songs. My kids have learned the same songs. Some of you may think Steve Green is a little too "old school", but he has done an amazing job of putting these verses to music that kids will love and gain from.
Hide 'em in Your Heart vol 1
Hide 'em in Your Heart vol 2
My older kids have mastered all the verses on both albums, so we've moved on to a new set of cd's by the Harrow Family:
God Our Provider
A New Commandment
I also had a friend suggest another whole set which I've listened to online and am super anxious to purchase! You can find them at Seeds Family Worship.
These are some great tools available to help you train your children. But remember: the most important thing for you to do is be consistent with your discipline. Teach them these verses and what they mean, and then follow through! How else will they understand how important the verses are?
Monday, October 10, 2011
Accepting the Unacceptable
A friend was telling me the other day that her daughter's behavior was getting out of control. She made a comment that really convicted me. She said, "Her behavior has become unacceptable." All I could reply was, "But yet, you're accepting it." I wasn't trying to be unkind, but it was the truth. And she knew it.
Whether it's due to laziness or a lack of knowledge, we all have at some point accepted the unacceptable. I do it all the time! I hate to admit it, but I will accept my son's talking back for days before I finally just lose it and yell at him. I did it the other day, and in my anger at him for arguing with me I lost my grocery money. I was so upset with him that I couldn't even think straight. When I tried to remember what I did with the money that had been handed to me right as I was exploding I couldn't remember. I am absolutely not proud of this story, but it's true. My behavior was completely unacceptable, and I just expected my son to accept it! And even worse, I had accepted it! What would have been acceptable would have been to discipline him a few days before when his bad attitude started, and the whole incident could have been avoided. Not only had I sinned in losing my temper, I also had sinned by not faithfully disciplining him when he needed it.
Not only am I modeling good behavior when I apologize, I also am more prone to consider how hard it is for my child to always do the right thing. I am NOT saying we should excuse the wrong behavior. They need to be punished appropriately. But I am much more patient when I look in the mirror and see my own faults.
And then we can pray together! Pray with your children. Together confess your sins to the Lord. Let them pray for you and your struggle with your temper, or your consistency, or your uncontrolled tongue. Let them pray for themselves and ask God to help them obey or have a better attitude or speak kindly...whatever it is you are dealing with. And then pray for them, out loud. They need to hear that. You need to model it for them. I promise that it will be powerful!
Whether it's due to laziness or a lack of knowledge, we all have at some point accepted the unacceptable. I do it all the time! I hate to admit it, but I will accept my son's talking back for days before I finally just lose it and yell at him. I did it the other day, and in my anger at him for arguing with me I lost my grocery money. I was so upset with him that I couldn't even think straight. When I tried to remember what I did with the money that had been handed to me right as I was exploding I couldn't remember. I am absolutely not proud of this story, but it's true. My behavior was completely unacceptable, and I just expected my son to accept it! And even worse, I had accepted it! What would have been acceptable would have been to discipline him a few days before when his bad attitude started, and the whole incident could have been avoided. Not only had I sinned in losing my temper, I also had sinned by not faithfully disciplining him when he needed it.
It is not an easy thing to do, but it has been so powerful when I have sat down one of my children and apologized for my unacceptable behavior. We are human, and we have struggles just like our children do. Just because we have lived more years on this earth does not mean we have mastered the art of self-discipline. And our children need to hear us voice that! We want them to be able to admit their failures, so we need to lead by example. We must be sure we are modeling acceptable behavior before we can train our children in the way they should go . It's the same concept as in Matthew 7:3-5 "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye." NIV)
Not only am I modeling good behavior when I apologize, I also am more prone to consider how hard it is for my child to always do the right thing. I am NOT saying we should excuse the wrong behavior. They need to be punished appropriately. But I am much more patient when I look in the mirror and see my own faults.
And then we can pray together! Pray with your children. Together confess your sins to the Lord. Let them pray for you and your struggle with your temper, or your consistency, or your uncontrolled tongue. Let them pray for themselves and ask God to help them obey or have a better attitude or speak kindly...whatever it is you are dealing with. And then pray for them, out loud. They need to hear that. You need to model it for them. I promise that it will be powerful!
My next post will basically be a list of what God considers "acceptable behaviors" and "unacceptable behaviors" for our children and us along with the scriptures to back them up. And then my secret tool in implementing them in our home! So, be watching for it :)
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Expect the best, and get the best!
I woke up this morning wondering if my last post was a little too harsh. Maybe I'm just too judgmental, but I don't mean to be. So, first of all let me apologize if I hurt any feelings. It's just that I feel strongly that if we don't expect our kids to obey they won't.
It seems to me that we've all fallen into a rut where we're afraid to set too high of expectations. We do it in many areas of our lives because we're afraid of failure. If we don't set the bar too high then we won't have to be disappointed, right? But where will we go if we don't ever set higher goals? Not far! And it's true in parenting as well. We sometimes don't want to set our kids up for failure by setting high goals. But if we don't raise the bar sometimes we all fail by default. We don't get to see what they're capable of, nor do they get to experience the success of impressing us with their capabilities.
I'm not suggesting that you should expect your one year old to obey every time you tell them to do something because they're still learning how to obey. But they can obey most of the time. You may have set high expectations for your one year old at first. Maybe you thought it would be easier than it is. And then they didn't catch on the first few days, so you decided that they must not be ready yet. It's natural to want to stop after you feel you've failed. But it's not effective. Teaching children to obey isn't a one time thing. It's a journey that will last 18 years! And you absolutely must be consistent in your discipline and expectations.
I work best with specific examples, so let's use a ten month old who likes to empty the box of tissue you keep on the coffee table one tissue at a time and drop them on the floor. Many people would simply remove the box of tissue from the coffee table and move it to a higher shelf. I however felt that it was a perfectly harmless opportunity to set my expectations for the child rather than waiting until they were in a dangerous situation to start teaching them how to obey. So, when I walked in to the living room one day and found that my sweet little baby had pulled himself up holding onto the coffee table and emptied the box of tissue during my 60 seconds of absence, I went over and told him "No no!" very firmly. Then I cleaned up the mess, stuffed the tissue back in the box, and replaced it to it's spot on the coffee table. Then I sat and waited for a whole 30 seconds before his little hand reached for the tissue box again. Now, with some of my kids simply the firmness of my voice when I said "No" was enough to stop them. But with most of them they would still touch the tissue. At the first act of disobedience I would give their little hand a spanking (I will later share my views on when to start spanking and how because there is way too much I have to say on those topics to share them with other topics). The child would cry for a minute and then reach for the tissue again. I would say "No" and usually they would at least slow down as they continued to reach for and touch the tissue. So, I would spank their hand again. This sometimes would end the game(at least for that day), but with my more stubborn children it may have taken 30 minutes before they would move on. But...I followed through and could say that I "won"! Right then and there I established my expectation: I expect to be obeyed and honored. (Col. 3:20, Eph. 6:1 and 2, Ex. 20:12)
Every child was different, so sometimes this process took a day, and sometimes it took a few days, maybe even a week or 2. But eventually they each got the picture. And then one day I had left my hot coffee on the coffee table (not a wise decision!), but as I saw the hand reaching for the cup I was able to say "No" and he immediately stopped, looked at me, and withdrew his hand. Magic! And another day he started chasing a ball into the street and I yelled, "No! Stop!", and he stopped, looked at me, and then waited for me to get the ball.
As the days and weeks would go on, they would sometimes go back to that box of tissue. Sometimes one of the kids would look at it and then look at me to see if I was looking at them. Sometimes one would go back and empty the box, only to be spanked again in the end. Kids will always test you. They will push the limits. But you have to set the limits and then stick to them. Expect the best from your children, and let them know exactly what the best is. In my opinion the best is immediate obedience every time, and that is exactly what I expect! The minute I accept less than the best from my children by not being consistent with discipline I let them know that I no longer expect to be obeyed and honored. But I know that as we are faithful to consistently and loving discipline our children, we will be blessed through their obedience.
It seems to me that we've all fallen into a rut where we're afraid to set too high of expectations. We do it in many areas of our lives because we're afraid of failure. If we don't set the bar too high then we won't have to be disappointed, right? But where will we go if we don't ever set higher goals? Not far! And it's true in parenting as well. We sometimes don't want to set our kids up for failure by setting high goals. But if we don't raise the bar sometimes we all fail by default. We don't get to see what they're capable of, nor do they get to experience the success of impressing us with their capabilities.
I'm not suggesting that you should expect your one year old to obey every time you tell them to do something because they're still learning how to obey. But they can obey most of the time. You may have set high expectations for your one year old at first. Maybe you thought it would be easier than it is. And then they didn't catch on the first few days, so you decided that they must not be ready yet. It's natural to want to stop after you feel you've failed. But it's not effective. Teaching children to obey isn't a one time thing. It's a journey that will last 18 years! And you absolutely must be consistent in your discipline and expectations.
I work best with specific examples, so let's use a ten month old who likes to empty the box of tissue you keep on the coffee table one tissue at a time and drop them on the floor. Many people would simply remove the box of tissue from the coffee table and move it to a higher shelf. I however felt that it was a perfectly harmless opportunity to set my expectations for the child rather than waiting until they were in a dangerous situation to start teaching them how to obey. So, when I walked in to the living room one day and found that my sweet little baby had pulled himself up holding onto the coffee table and emptied the box of tissue during my 60 seconds of absence, I went over and told him "No no!" very firmly. Then I cleaned up the mess, stuffed the tissue back in the box, and replaced it to it's spot on the coffee table. Then I sat and waited for a whole 30 seconds before his little hand reached for the tissue box again. Now, with some of my kids simply the firmness of my voice when I said "No" was enough to stop them. But with most of them they would still touch the tissue. At the first act of disobedience I would give their little hand a spanking (I will later share my views on when to start spanking and how because there is way too much I have to say on those topics to share them with other topics). The child would cry for a minute and then reach for the tissue again. I would say "No" and usually they would at least slow down as they continued to reach for and touch the tissue. So, I would spank their hand again. This sometimes would end the game(at least for that day), but with my more stubborn children it may have taken 30 minutes before they would move on. But...I followed through and could say that I "won"! Right then and there I established my expectation: I expect to be obeyed and honored. (Col. 3:20, Eph. 6:1 and 2, Ex. 20:12)
Every child was different, so sometimes this process took a day, and sometimes it took a few days, maybe even a week or 2. But eventually they each got the picture. And then one day I had left my hot coffee on the coffee table (not a wise decision!), but as I saw the hand reaching for the cup I was able to say "No" and he immediately stopped, looked at me, and withdrew his hand. Magic! And another day he started chasing a ball into the street and I yelled, "No! Stop!", and he stopped, looked at me, and then waited for me to get the ball.
As the days and weeks would go on, they would sometimes go back to that box of tissue. Sometimes one of the kids would look at it and then look at me to see if I was looking at them. Sometimes one would go back and empty the box, only to be spanked again in the end. Kids will always test you. They will push the limits. But you have to set the limits and then stick to them. Expect the best from your children, and let them know exactly what the best is. In my opinion the best is immediate obedience every time, and that is exactly what I expect! The minute I accept less than the best from my children by not being consistent with discipline I let them know that I no longer expect to be obeyed and honored. But I know that as we are faithful to consistently and loving discipline our children, we will be blessed through their obedience.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
1...2...3...4...
I am a huge fan of COUNTING! I've learned a great many things from watching other parents. One thing I've observed and gained so much from is the technique of counting. If you're new to parenting, let me explain the idea behind this technique and how it works.
The purpose: get your child to obey whatever it is you've told or asked them to do.
The how: First, you may want to decide before hand how far you're willing to count and convey this to your child with an explanation that when you finally reach this chosen number there will be some sort of punishment (whether or not you intend to implement it). Then, wait for an opportunity to tell (or ask) your child to do or stop doing something. As a little side note, you may want to stick to asking them to do things rather then telling them to. If you tell them to do things it may sound like you actually expect them to do it. It may prove to be easier on them if you just ask them something like, "Do you want to clean up your toys now?" Or "Do you want to hold Mommy's hand while we cross this busy street?" But if you really feel authoritative you could actually tell them to do whatever it is. Let's just say for example it's cleaning up their toys. If they obey immediately (which is highly unlikely for those of you who use this technique regularly) stop here. If, however they don't obey right then start counting. What you say is, "One. Two. Are you going to obey Mommy? Three. F-o-o-o-o-o-o-ur. >long pause< I said clean up your toys. F-i-i-i-i-i-i-ve. I'm not going to tell you again. Six" At this point you may want to go over to them and start cleaning up the toys to set an example. Then count a little further making sure to speak slowly in order to delay getting to the point where you have to decide whether or not to follow through with discipline. If you don't follow these steps your child will not know exactly how much longer they are expected to play. Basically, they just need you to lay out a plan so they know when obedience is expected. When you finally are almost to say 10 (or whatever number you have chosen) they should get up and start cleaning up their toys. However, there is still a good chance you may need to start at 1 a few more times. If that's the case, it would probably be easier to just clean up the toys yourself or just leave them there and remove the child from the situation...maybe you could fix her a snack or put in a movie.
In case you are reading this but aren't a personal friend who understands my sarcastic personality, I guess I should make it very clear that I meant all of that very sarcastically! In fact, it drives me crazy when I see parents doing this! The first thing I said, however, was not meant to be sarcastic...I have learned a lot from watching parents model this technique. I have observed that kids are very quick to learn how long they have to disobey before obedience is actually expected.
That scenario may have been a little extreme, but you all have to admit you've either done or witnessed something similar at least once in your life. I've done it. I didn't want to deal with a situation and thought to myself, "Maybe this will work." Guess what! It didn't.
So, why do parents think it will? I believe firmly that it is training children that there is an allotted "disobedience" period that comes before obedience is required. Don't we want our kids to obey immediately? Just for practical application do you want your kid who has just chased a ball into the street to come back on the sidewalk as soon as you tell them to come or after you've counted to 5? Will his boss want him to turn in a report when it's asked for or after his boss has requested it 10 times? Don't forget, we are called to train our children in the way they should go. We have to prepare them for the rest of their lives, and there will not be counting out in the real world!
But now, I said before I'm a huge fan of counting, and here's why...Rather than using counting to allow my kids a few extra seconds of disobedience I use it to count how many spankings they will receive for slow obedience. So, if you ever hear me counting to my kids it is only for the purpose of making them aware of the punishment they are actively choosing.
The purpose: get your child to obey whatever it is you've told or asked them to do.
The how: First, you may want to decide before hand how far you're willing to count and convey this to your child with an explanation that when you finally reach this chosen number there will be some sort of punishment (whether or not you intend to implement it). Then, wait for an opportunity to tell (or ask) your child to do or stop doing something. As a little side note, you may want to stick to asking them to do things rather then telling them to. If you tell them to do things it may sound like you actually expect them to do it. It may prove to be easier on them if you just ask them something like, "Do you want to clean up your toys now?" Or "Do you want to hold Mommy's hand while we cross this busy street?" But if you really feel authoritative you could actually tell them to do whatever it is. Let's just say for example it's cleaning up their toys. If they obey immediately (which is highly unlikely for those of you who use this technique regularly) stop here. If, however they don't obey right then start counting. What you say is, "One. Two. Are you going to obey Mommy? Three. F-o-o-o-o-o-o-ur. >long pause< I said clean up your toys. F-i-i-i-i-i-i-ve. I'm not going to tell you again. Six" At this point you may want to go over to them and start cleaning up the toys to set an example. Then count a little further making sure to speak slowly in order to delay getting to the point where you have to decide whether or not to follow through with discipline. If you don't follow these steps your child will not know exactly how much longer they are expected to play. Basically, they just need you to lay out a plan so they know when obedience is expected. When you finally are almost to say 10 (or whatever number you have chosen) they should get up and start cleaning up their toys. However, there is still a good chance you may need to start at 1 a few more times. If that's the case, it would probably be easier to just clean up the toys yourself or just leave them there and remove the child from the situation...maybe you could fix her a snack or put in a movie.
In case you are reading this but aren't a personal friend who understands my sarcastic personality, I guess I should make it very clear that I meant all of that very sarcastically! In fact, it drives me crazy when I see parents doing this! The first thing I said, however, was not meant to be sarcastic...I have learned a lot from watching parents model this technique. I have observed that kids are very quick to learn how long they have to disobey before obedience is actually expected.
That scenario may have been a little extreme, but you all have to admit you've either done or witnessed something similar at least once in your life. I've done it. I didn't want to deal with a situation and thought to myself, "Maybe this will work." Guess what! It didn't.
So, why do parents think it will? I believe firmly that it is training children that there is an allotted "disobedience" period that comes before obedience is required. Don't we want our kids to obey immediately? Just for practical application do you want your kid who has just chased a ball into the street to come back on the sidewalk as soon as you tell them to come or after you've counted to 5? Will his boss want him to turn in a report when it's asked for or after his boss has requested it 10 times? Don't forget, we are called to train our children in the way they should go. We have to prepare them for the rest of their lives, and there will not be counting out in the real world!
But now, I said before I'm a huge fan of counting, and here's why...Rather than using counting to allow my kids a few extra seconds of disobedience I use it to count how many spankings they will receive for slow obedience. So, if you ever hear me counting to my kids it is only for the purpose of making them aware of the punishment they are actively choosing.
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