Everything We Do

I didn't want to write this post. In fact, I've argued with God about writing it for almost a week now. But I believe God has laid this on my heart, and I committed to writing for Him. So here it is!

Years ago my oldest son came to me and asked, "What do we celebrate on Halloween? I know on Christmas we celebrate Jesus being born. And on Easter we celebrate Jesus dying on the cross and coming back to life. But what about Halloween?" I know that everything about the holiday is not evil. But is there anything about it to celebrate? What is worthy of celebration?  In all my research of Halloween I can't find one part of it that points to Christ.  Sure there are parts of todays traditions that can be linked to Christians, but that doesn't make it a Christian holiday. Even Satan has a history with God. I mean really, they lived together in fellowship before Lucifer was expelled from heaven. But do those roots make him good? And even if we are not purposefully bringing glory to Satan, do you think he minds the recognition?  Research it for yourself. I've heard some people say it started as a Christian holiday. But everything I've found on secular and nonsecular sites has said it originated as a time for contacting the dead, appeasing evil spirits, and practicing witchcraft. Sure some Christians tried to adapt it to fit their religion. Christians used to dress up as Bible story characters and put on plays for people in return for food and drink. But that was a year round practice until they moved it to Halloween. And did that work? Is it a Christian holiday now? Does it point to Christ today? 

Here are some verses we have applied to the topic of Halloween in our home. Read them. Pray over them. And then do what you feel is right. Don't just disregard them because you're so sure Halloween is harmless. Maybe it is harmless, but is it good? And if it's not God's best for you, isn't that harmful?

• Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.(Phil. 4:8 NIV)
• Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him! Make it as clear as you can to all you meet that you're on their side, working with them and not against them. Help them see that the Master is about to arrive. He could show up any minute! (Phil. 4:4-5 The Message)
• Don’t team up with those who are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness? What harmony can there be between Christ and the devil? How can a believer be a partner with an unbeliever? And what union can there be between God’s temple and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God said: “I will live in them and walk among them. I will be their God, and they will be my people. Therefore, come out from among unbelievers,
  and separate yourselves from them, says the Lord. Don’t touch their   filthy things, and I will welcome you.(2 Cor. 6:14-17 NLT)
• Consider the people of Israel: Do not those who eat the sacrifices participate in the altar? Do I mean then that a sacrifice offered to an idol is anything, or that an idol is anything? No, but the sacrifices of pagans are offered to demons, not to God, and I do not want you to be participants with demons. You cannot drink the cup of the Lord and the cup of demons too; you cannot have a part in both the Lord’s table and the table of demons. Are we trying to arouse the Lord’s jealousy? Are we stronger than he? “Everything is permissible”—but not everything is beneficial. “Everything is permissible”—but not everything is constructive. (1 Cor. 10:18-23 NIV)
• So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. (1 Cor. 10:31NIV)
• So you must live as God’s obedient children. Don’t slip back into your old ways of living to satisfy your own desires. You didn’t know any better then. But now you must be holy in everything you do, just as God who chose you is holy. For the Scriptures say, “You must be holy because I am holy. (1 Peter 1:14-16 NLT)

You don't have to agree with me that these verses apply to Halloween. But they are what we have used to explain to our children why we don't celebrate Halloween. And really, they apply to every single part of our lives(shopping, eating, movies, sleeping, even Christmas, Easter, and Thanksgiving)!

Now then, can we observe Halloween even if we find nothing in it to celebrate? I'm not going to answer that. God put us here to win souls, to reach others for Him. Can we do that if we shut our doors to the world? Or can we do that if we are no different than the world? I firmly believe that there has to be a balance, but each of us must decide what that balance is.

When Jesus was on this earth He sat down and ate with sinners. He was looked down upon by "believers" for fellowshipping with sinners. But Jesus spent time with them to show them forgiveness and salvation. He didn't hide from the world. But He also didn't sin with them. I'm NOT saying that trick-or-treating is sin. But I do weigh what we choose to do with the "What Would Jesus Do?" test. I know! You are all saying, "I can't believe she said W.W.J.D!" But if we want to be like Christ shouldn't we consider what He would do in our shoes? And if we are doing something we know He wouldn't maybe we need to reconsider what is right and wrong! I can envision Jesus walking around with the trick-or-treaters this week. I can even picture him holding the hand of a little Super Man or Witch while they hold out their little pumpkin basket for candy. But I cannot picture Him painting His holy face to look like a zombie or goblin! After the blood that pored down His face while He was saving us from our sins, do you think He would find it amusing to paint His face to look like that again? Or after all the pain He has seen His children go through do you think He can find pleasure in the horror masks and scary costumes? I know He doesn't find joy in that! He can't! He is HOLY! And those things are not!

Some people argue that Halloween is all pretend, but it is NOT! I'm not just talking about the history of Halloween. I'm talking about Halloween today. It is a celebration of death, horror, and fear. All the decorations prove that. Even Jack-O-Lanterns are said to have been carved as offerings to appease the spirits. Ephesians 6:12 tells us "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." Spirits are real. Death is real. Pain is real. Darkness is real. But Jesus is Life. Jesus is Love. Jesus is the Light. So can we say we love Christ and still celebrate those things which are the opposite of Him?

Now I am not for a second wanting to make it look like we're perfect in this house. We are NOT! We know all these verses. We believe that God wants us to be holy just like He is holy. But we fail! We fail every day! I watch things I shouldn't on TV.  If I apply all those verses to what comes on my TV many shows will have to go. In fact just this week I went to turn on a murder mystery show I usually watch and felt physically ill. I had always seen it as "not that bad". They seek justice and punish the offender, right?  But the time I spend watching the show, dwelling on sin and pain does not help me become holy. So, I pray that God will continue to work on my heart and "take away all that remains for the glory of Your [His] name!"

So, now I'll bring this all back in around parenting. We teach our kids these verses. We want them to follow God's Word and apply their memory verses to their lives. But what will you do when they come to you with a question about why you do what you do? Will you tell them that God's Word only applies to important things? Will you tell them that when it says "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." it doesn't mean things like trick-or-treating or movies? My goal is that everything I do brings glory to God. I want to cook for His glory, shop for His glory, eat for His glory, parent for His glory, clean for His glory...EVERYTHING I do for God! And if something doesn't fit, then it has to go!

Moments Like These

This last week was so full of ups and downs for me! I felt so often that all I did was scold the kids and punish them.  They seemed to always be underfoot and making messes and fighting. And then a moment later I'd be sitting there in awe of how precious and wonderful they are. 

I have had many friends make comments to me about how they hate it when little old grannies at the store stop them to say, "Cherish these days. They go by too fast." because they feel like these days can't pass fast enough.  Having newborns is hard because we are sleep deprived. If they would just hurry up and sleep through the night everything will be better. Then it's once they can walk life will be easy again. As soon as they're walking it's once they're out of diapers everything will be okay. I just can't wait until they start school and I have days to myself again. After they can do their homework all by themselves...once they can clean up after themselves...when they can stay home alone...after they can drive...And then they're gone! We've been so busy with our agenda of all the things we need to accomplish over the course of a day, week, month, year, stage in life...that we wish away these days and miss out on the joys that being a parent brings.

So I have to stop and wonder what made the difference for me last week. How was I able to have "awe" moments with my kids even with all the trials that parenting brings? The simplest answer is the title of one of my favorite songs, Breathe Deep. That's what I had to do last week. There were moments I felt overwhelmed with all the things I needed to accomplish, and then I stopped, took a nice deep breath, and just watched my kids.

One time I was hurrying through the living room on a mission to get the house cleaned up before Matt got home from work. The kids were all sitting on the couch watching some show, totally engrossed in whatever it was. I could see the thrill in their eyes as something funny was happening and the excitement in my nine-year-old's eyes as he anticipated something that was about to happen. So, I sat down in the recliner and breathed. I simply enjoyed their faces and giggles.  Joy just flooded my heart!

Another time I was in a hurry to get everyone out the door to run some errands. You can imagine how that goes with 1 adult to 5 kids! One of our errands was to drop off some money at the church to help buy food for flood victims in Honduras. As I was rushing about trying to brush hair and get shoes on all 12 of our feet I explained our errands to them, and I have to admit I was a little irritated when they all gathered around my bed with their wallets deciding how much they each were going to give. But we were ready to walk out the door! Then I stepped back and breathed! They were thrilled to be able to give(some as much as 80% of all they had and some just a little change). I was in a hurry! I had so much to do. I almost said, "We're giving enough for all of you. Keep your money. We have to go." But this was so much more important. They were worshiping the Lord and I got to watch them!

I almost missed an "awe" moment with my sweet 5 year as I was rushing about trying to get dinner on the table and straighten up the house one night. He burst into tears and cried, "This day is just so sad!" after he had been in trouble for several different things. I almost sent him to his room to cry it out. And then I stopped, breathed, and pulled him into my lap. He told me just how sad the whole day was, and I told him that was exactly what Satan wanted. I reminded him of what our pastor had sad last Sunday...that Satan wants to steal our joy and our effectiveness. He doesn't want kids to obey. He wants mom's to yell. And then I shared the story of Job with him. He was so excited for Job because Job passed the test. He wanted to pass the test! He has been so motivated to pass the tests that have come his way ever since. But we almost missed that chance. I almost let having dinner on the table on time steal that moment with my son.

Moments like these are just a hint of the blessings God has in store for us if we train up our children in the way they should go. The Bible says that when they are old they will not depart from it. That's when we will really get to reap the blessings. But for now we get these moments to watch them, love on them, comfort them, teach them, and learn from them.  However, if we are too concerned with accomplishing goals we'll miss these moments. I've decided to sacrifice having a clean house and prompt meals in order to cherish these moments with my family. I can clean my house in 16 years!

A Firm Foundation

We want our kids to obey us. Partly because it will make our life easier, right? But our main goal still is to help them become the people God wants them to be. It all comes back to their hearts and where they are in their relationship with Him. Even as young children they are spiritual beings. Why else would God encourage us to have the faith of a child?

Our foundation for disciplining them should be based on the Word of God. Here are the main verses I use in training my children. (NIV)

1. Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. [Eph. 6:1]
2. “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise—  “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”[Eph. 6:2-3]
3. Do to others as you would have them do to you. [Luke 6:31]
4. Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from telling lies.[Psalm 34:13]
5. Do everything without grumbling or arguing,  [Phil. 2:14]
6. Encourage one another and build each other up. [1 Thes. 5:11]
7. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” [Mark 12:30-31]

My 4 oldest children have all these verses memorized. And my 2 year old knows them a little. When we are out at the park and one of them starts to whine about something not going her way I can say "Do everything", and she will finish the verse with "without complaining and arguing." It's almost the only kind of warning I ever give my children. It is a very simple way of reminding them that their behavior is not acceptable and I expect it to change fast. 

So here's my trick! I watched my nieces and nephews learn these verses 20 years ago by listening to songs. My kids have learned the same songs. Some of you may think Steve Green is a little too "old school", but he has done an amazing job of putting these verses to music that kids will love and gain from.
Hide 'em in Your Heart vol 1
Hide 'em in Your Heart vol 2


My older kids have mastered all the verses on both albums, so we've moved on to a new set of cd's by the Harrow Family:
God Our Provider
A New Commandment

I also had a friend suggest another whole set which I've listened to online and am super anxious to purchase! You can find them at Seeds Family Worship.

These are some great tools available to help you train your children. But remember: the most important thing for you to do is be consistent with your discipline. Teach them these verses and what they mean, and then follow through! How else will they understand how important the verses are?

Accepting the Unacceptable

A friend was telling me the other day that her daughter's behavior was getting out of control. She made a comment that really convicted me. She said, "Her behavior has become unacceptable." All I could reply was, "But yet, you're accepting it." I wasn't trying to be unkind, but it was the truth. And she knew it.

Whether it's due to laziness or a lack of knowledge, we all have at some point accepted the unacceptable. I do it all the time! I hate to admit it, but I will accept my son's talking back for days before I finally just lose it and yell at him. I did it the other day, and in my anger at him for arguing with me I lost my grocery money. I was so upset with him that I couldn't even think straight. When I tried to remember what I did with the money that had been handed to me right as I was exploding I couldn't remember. I am absolutely not proud of this story, but it's true. My behavior was completely unacceptable, and I just expected my son to accept it! And even worse, I had accepted it! What would have been acceptable would have been to discipline him a few days before when his bad attitude started, and the whole incident could have been avoided. Not only had I sinned in losing my temper, I also had sinned by not faithfully disciplining him when he needed it.

It is not an easy thing to do, but it has been so powerful when I have sat down one of my children and apologized for my unacceptable behavior. We are human, and we have struggles just like our children do. Just because we have lived more years on this earth does not mean we have mastered the art of self-discipline. And our children need to hear us voice that! We want them to be able to admit their failures, so we need to lead by example. We must be sure we are modeling acceptable behavior before we can train our children in the way they should go . It's the same concept as in Matthew 7:3-5 "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye." NIV) 

Not only am I modeling good behavior when I apologize, I also am more prone to consider how hard it is for my child to always do the right thing. I am NOT saying we should excuse the wrong behavior. They need to be punished appropriately. But I am much more patient when I look in the mirror and see my own faults.

And then we can pray together! Pray with your children. Together confess your sins to the Lord. Let them pray for you and your struggle with your temper, or your consistency, or your uncontrolled tongue. Let them pray for themselves and ask God to help them obey or have a better attitude or speak kindly...whatever it is you are dealing with. And then pray for them, out loud. They need to hear that. You need to model it for them. I promise that it will be powerful!

My next post will basically be a list of what God considers "acceptable behaviors" and "unacceptable behaviors" for our children and us along with the scriptures to back them up. And then my secret tool in implementing them in our home! So, be watching for it :) 

Expect the best, and get the best!

I woke up this morning wondering if my last post was a little too harsh. Maybe I'm just too judgmental, but I don't mean to be. So, first of all let me apologize if I hurt any feelings. It's just that I feel strongly that if we don't expect our kids to obey they won't.

It seems to me that we've all fallen into a rut where we're afraid to set too high of expectations.  We do it in many areas of our lives because we're afraid of failure. If we don't set the bar too high then we won't have to be disappointed, right? But where will we go if we don't ever set higher goals? Not far! And it's true in parenting as well. We sometimes don't want to set our kids up for failure by setting high goals. But if we don't raise the bar sometimes we all fail by default. We don't get to see what they're capable of, nor do they get to experience the success of impressing us with their capabilities.

I'm not suggesting that you should expect your one year old to obey every time you tell them to do something because they're still learning how to obey. But they can obey most of the time. You may have set high expectations for your one year old at first. Maybe you thought it would be easier than it is. And then they didn't catch on the first few days, so you decided that they must not be ready yet.  It's natural to want to stop after you feel you've failed. But it's not effective. Teaching children to obey isn't a one time thing. It's a journey that will last 18 years! And you absolutely must be consistent in your discipline and expectations.

I work best with specific examples, so let's use a ten month old who likes to empty the box of tissue you keep on the coffee table one tissue at a time and drop them on the floor. Many people would simply remove the box of tissue from the coffee table and move it to a higher shelf.  I however felt that it was a perfectly harmless opportunity to set my expectations for the child rather than waiting until they were in a dangerous situation to start teaching them how to obey. So, when I walked in to the living room one day and found that my sweet little baby had pulled himself up holding onto the coffee table and emptied the box of tissue during my 60 seconds of absence, I went over and told him "No no!" very firmly. Then I cleaned up the mess, stuffed the tissue back in the box, and replaced it to it's spot on the coffee table. Then I sat and waited for a whole 30 seconds before his little hand reached for the tissue box again. Now, with some of my kids simply the firmness of my voice when I said "No" was enough to stop them. But with most of them they would still touch the tissue. At the first act of disobedience I would give their little hand a spanking (I will later share my views on when to start spanking and how because there is way too much I have to say on those topics to share them with other topics). The child would cry for a minute and then reach for the tissue again. I would say "No" and usually they would at least slow down as they continued to reach for and touch the tissue. So, I would spank their hand again. This sometimes would end the game(at least for that day), but with my more stubborn children it may have taken 30 minutes before they would move on. But...I followed through and could say that I "won"! Right then and there I established my expectation: I expect to be obeyed and honored. (Col. 3:20, Eph. 6:1 and 2, Ex. 20:12)

Every child was different, so sometimes this process took a day, and sometimes it took a few days, maybe even a week or 2. But eventually they each got the picture. And then one day I had left my hot coffee on the coffee table (not a wise decision!), but as I saw the hand reaching for the cup I was able to say "No" and he immediately stopped, looked at me, and withdrew his hand. Magic! And another day he started chasing a ball into the street and I yelled, "No! Stop!", and he stopped, looked at me, and then waited for me to get the ball.

As the days and weeks would go on, they would sometimes go back to that box of tissue. Sometimes one of the kids would look at it and then look at me to see if I was looking at them.  Sometimes one would go back and empty the box, only to be spanked again in the end. Kids will always test you. They will push the limits. But you have to set the limits and then stick to them. Expect the best from your children, and let them know exactly what the best is. In my opinion the best is immediate obedience every time, and that is exactly what I expect! The minute I accept less than the best from my children by not being consistent with discipline I let them know that I no longer expect to be obeyed and honored. But I know that as we are faithful to consistently and loving discipline our children, we will be blessed through their obedience.

1...2...3...4...

I am a huge fan of COUNTING! I've learned a great many things from watching other parents. One thing I've observed and gained so much from is the technique of counting.  If you're new to parenting, let me explain the idea behind this technique and how it works.

The purpose: get your child to obey whatever it is you've told or asked them to do. 

The how:  First, you may want to decide before hand how far you're willing to count and convey this to your child with an explanation that when you finally reach this chosen number there will be some sort of punishment (whether or not you intend to implement it). Then, wait for an opportunity to tell (or ask) your child to do or stop doing something. As a little side note, you may want to stick to asking them to do things rather then telling them to. If you tell them to do things it may sound like you actually expect them to do it. It may prove to be easier on them if you just ask them something like, "Do you want to clean up your toys now?" Or "Do you want to hold Mommy's hand while we cross this busy street?" But if you really feel authoritative you could actually tell them to do whatever it is. Let's just say for example it's cleaning up their toys. If they obey immediately (which is highly unlikely for those of you who use this technique regularly) stop here. If, however they don't obey right then start counting. What you say is, "One. Two. Are you going to obey Mommy? Three. F-o-o-o-o-o-o-ur. >long pause< I said clean up your toys. F-i-i-i-i-i-i-ve. I'm not going to tell you again. Six" At this point you may want to go over to them and start cleaning up the toys to set an example. Then count a little further making sure to speak slowly in order to delay getting to the point where you have to decide whether or not to follow through with discipline. If you don't follow these steps your child will not know exactly how much longer they are expected to play. Basically, they just need you to lay out a plan so they know when obedience is expected. When you finally are almost to say 10 (or whatever number you have chosen) they should get up and start cleaning up their toys. However, there is still a good chance you may need to start at 1 a few more times. If that's the case, it would probably be easier to just clean up the toys yourself or just leave them there and remove the child from the situation...maybe you could fix her a snack or put in a movie.

In case you are reading this but aren't a personal friend who understands my sarcastic personality, I guess I should make it very clear that I meant all of that very sarcastically! In fact, it drives me crazy when I see parents doing this! The first thing I said, however, was not meant to be sarcastic...I have learned a lot from watching parents model this technique. I have observed that kids are very quick to learn how long they have to disobey before obedience is actually expected.

That scenario may have been a little extreme, but you all have to admit you've either done or witnessed something similar at least once in your life. I've done it.  I didn't want to deal with a situation and thought to myself, "Maybe this will work."  Guess what! It didn't.

So, why do parents think it will? I believe firmly that it is training children that there is an allotted "disobedience" period that comes before obedience is required. Don't we want our kids to obey immediately? Just for practical application do you want your kid who has just chased a ball into the street to come back on the sidewalk as soon as you tell them to come or after you've counted to 5? Will his boss want him to turn in a report when it's asked for or after his boss has requested it 10 times? Don't forget, we are called to train our children in the way they should go. We have to prepare them for the rest of their lives, and there will not be counting out in the real world!

But now, I said before I'm a huge fan of counting, and here's why...Rather than using counting to allow my kids a few extra seconds of disobedience I use it to count how many spankings they will receive for slow obedience. So, if you ever hear me counting to my kids it is only for the purpose of making them aware of the punishment they are actively choosing.

The Perfect Family

Let's start at the beginning. You have just given birth to your precious baby. Everything is perfect in your little world. Yes, you're tired from waking up in the night. The baby can only communicate hunger or pain or tiredness by crying. Your house no longer smells like vanilla scented candles or roses from your romantic husband. Those smells are replaced by the smell of diapers and spit up. But you don't mind. This little blessing is more important to you than those little inconveniences.

After a few months that little ball of joy begins to roll around, scooting close to dangerous places around your home. Within another couple months, he starts to crawl up to furniture and pull up into a standing position. Now, you have to move all your breakables, candles, wedding gifts, and boxes of tissue out of the baby's reach. You “baby-safe” your home. Then, there's no resting anymore. You are constantly moving the baby back to where you can see him. Taking the little tidbits that the vacuum forgot out of his fists before they make it to his mouth. Nap time is all you're living for at this point, and this continues through them learning to walk...and then run. The only difference is that you are now running too.

Your baby is developing motor skills and vocabulary skills. He still cries when he is hungry or hurting or tired, but now he adds a little flare with a bit of screaming, stomping, and dropping to the floor in complete rebellion. You have learned to read his sign language, so you know what he wants even when he doesn't feel like talking. You are such a good parent that you are completely in tune with his needs and desires. He gets through his first birthday and is almost 2 and life is perfect. In fact, you are getting along so well with this new addition that you and your sweetheart are considering adding a little girl to complete “the perfect family”.

So, here you are with your cute little belly and your 2 year old going to the playground and on trips to the grocery store. He has begun to see things at the store he wants and realizes that you can buy them, and then he can take them home. You know he doesn't need them, but he is going through a lot of stress with your pregnancy. So, you buy him a few toys. He does deserve them, and anyway it'll keep him busy in the shopping cart and on the way home. After a while, though, your husband starts to question if all these toys are necessary. The money is getting tight and the toys are overtaking the house. You are beginning to drown in Little People and Matchbox cars and DEBT! So, the next time you go to the store he asks for a toy, and you say “No, not this time, Honey.” This is met with a plea. “No, Sweetie”. Next a little scream. “Mommy already told you 'no'”. And then...the tantrum, right there in the middle of Walmart. The blood rushes to your head and you turn completely red in the face. What are people thinking about you right now? So, you give in and then BAM! You have placed him as the head of your home. Complete with crown and scepter.   And, boy does he pick up on that right away!

That makes you stop to think: Where did he learn that he can control you? When did this all start? Is it just that he's entering his terrible 2's? I very firmly believe the answer to that question is “No!” . This will no doubt offend some people out there, but I believe that “the terrible twos” is a myth. Bear with me for a second, but what if the only reason it seems that your 2 year old is out of control is that you are all of a sudden trying to control him? He has made his own decisions from the day he was born. He told you when to change him, feed him, give him a toy, put him in bed, clean up his puke, and the list goes on. At his first grunt or whimper you gave him his paci. Whenever he cried you offered him a bottle or breast. If he dropped his toy, you'd pick it up and hand it to him...he'd drop it again, and you'd hand it to him. Somehow, he'd “drop” it all the way across the room, and you'd hand it to him. Maybe, though, he was playing a game with you...Maybe he was training you just like we train a dog. He's been observing you, learning what it takes to get what he wants.

In just your first submission to him he sees that he has power. Is it wrong to give your kids power? For just a minute think back to what your goals for your children are. You DO want them to be responsible and “take charge” kind of people, right? But until they have proven that they can evaluate all the pros and cons, pray for guidance, and accept the consequences for their actions, why would you put that on them? You love them! You want the best for them. And you DO know best...well, at least you know better than they do. More than what you know, you have the ability to seek God's counsel. Not only that, but you are called to seek him: “If any one lack wisdom, let him ask of God.” (James 1:5) And we have already established that God wants us to train up our children in the way they should go. Not watch our children go the way they are going to go. We absolutely must train them! Not be trained by them!

So, if you're reading this and thinking to yourself, "That's exactly where we are!" Don't despair. The great thing about kids is that just as it was easy for them to learn how to control you, they can be taught to obey and respect(and they must be taught, because it does not come naturally!) And if you're brand new parents, Yay! You don't have to undo bad habits. Commit to following God's parenting plan, and you will not regret it!

Nobody has a perfect family. God doesn't expect you to have perfect children.  He has given us a will to make choices for ourselves. Just as our children make poor choices, we do too. But does that mean we should sit back and live with the consequences? Or should we try to fix our mistakes? I think we should try to fix things as fast as we can. If things aren't working, let's find out why and make it work! And make our families as perfect as humanly possible for God's glory! After all, doesn't Matthew 28:19 call us to make disciples? What excuse do we have for spending our energy outside of our home looking for opportunities to make disciples but ignoring the perfectly teachable disciple candidates we have sitting in our own homes? 1 Timothy 3:4-5 explain that concept best in the list of qualifications for church leaders: "He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him, and he must do so in a manner worthy of full respect. (If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God’s church?"

First comes love, then comes marriage, then come babies trying to wreck our marriage!

Before you can be effective as parents, you must first check your marriage for flaws and imperfections that can hinder your parenting. Marriage is hard work! Very hard work! But if you have entered into the marriage covenant and brought children into this world, then you are responsible to make that marriage work. When the Bible says,“Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it” (Prov. 22:6 NIV), don't you think that means that you should train them how to be married? You have an opportunity to live out an example of unconditional love, communication, service, respect, and friendship. Your marriage should paint a picture of the relationship between Christ and the church. The purpose in this blog is not for marriage counsel, so please take time to evaluate your marriage. If your relationship needs counsel, then please take action. Get help. Don't wait until your family has fallen apart.

In our 10 years of marriage Matt and I have gone through some rough times: 5 pregnancies (that's a total of 45 months!),5 newborn babies, 5 toddlers, financial stress, getting out of debt, buying a house, job changes, watching my sister fight cancer, helping care for her children after she lost that fight, hernia surgeries for Matt and both our boys, knee surgery for Matt, a series of 3 surgeries for myself, losing my dad to a heart attack. The most recent stress for us has been menopause. That's right! I'm 31 and entering my 3rd year of menopause complete with weight gain, hot flashes, moodiness, and headaches. I don't understand how Matt has put up with me all this time! But the how is not really the point. It's the fact that he did! He promised to stay with me 'til death, and that's what he's doing! I don't look like I used to. I feel like an old, old lady. But he still holds me and loves me. Our kids don't understand the whole dynamic of what it means now, but they do see us talking through disagreements and still loving each other in the end. And one day they will look back on this example of true love and gain from it.  I know they feel safe now, and they are seeing how to resolve conflict. Those are two of the greatest gifts we feel we can offer them.

But now I have to admit, it's not always so perfect! As we added each new little life into this world we had a lot of adjustments to make. We had to learn how to balance our marriage and kids. I have been guilty millions of times of putting my kids before Matt. I have been so caught up in caring for a newborn or playing with a toddler that I have gone days or even weeks without taking time to think of Matt and how's he's feeling. I will wear myself out each day in doing things for the kids and have no energy left to give him at the end of the day. Then...our relationship is compromised. We no longer are communicating. I start to flat out not like him. And he doesn't like me. And then guess what! The kids won't obey. They fight and cry all the time. They may not understand why, but our relationship problems cause them stress and eventually harm. 

So, what do we do if that is where we are? Let me just share what I have done...and it's worked! I put my cares and needs aside(because, after all, that's the definition of love, right?) and clean up the house.  I pray for my husband. More importantly I pray for myself and confess my failure to truly love him. I prepare a meal I know he'll like. I tell the kids that we're going to clean up the house before Daddy gets home. I get out of my pajama pants and tank top, put on some real clothes, fix my hair, and put on make-up. I talk to the kids about how great their daddy is(even though I still may feel like pointing out his every fault).  I give the kids a bath before he gets home so it's completely out of the way. After dinner I let him relax and enjoy a little time with the kids before we send them off to an early bed. And then we spend some time together with all my hurt and anger set aside. And do you know what? That hurt and anger start to disappear as we reconnect. Sometimes we have to talk through the hurt and anger, but after some tears we can forgive one another and move forward. Obviously that is not going to be possible every night, but maybe once a week it could become a priority.

We have found that when we are on the same page emotionally we parent better. We communicate about the kids, and the kids see us working as a team. We can discipline more effectively, but more importantly we need less discipline because so much of the kids' bad behavior was a result of the stress they felt from us. So in the end, everybody wins! Except for Satan who was hoping for a different ending. And don't you know, he'll attack again just as soon as we feel like we've got it all under control. But we grow more and more each time we come through one of these cycles. And we are careful to give the glory for the victory to God alone! Praise Him for the example of love and forgiveness we can look to when we feel so helpless.

Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it. (Prov. 22:6)

When I first felt God calling me to start writing I was so sure that it would turn me into a famous author, traveling around the world to book signings and speaking at lectures. But then I realized that God wasn't calling me to fame or recognition. He was calling me to help other families who are drowning in chaos that is completely unnecessary. I realized then that this is so much more in my nature and comfort zone. So, now I begin typing without the pressure of editors critiquing me and with simply God and His Word as my guide. And I pray that every couple or single parent that reads these words listens first to God's leading and then takes what help they gather from this blog and begins a journey toward God's plan for their family.

God designed families with an order. He first made the husband: the head of the family, next the wife: his help-meet, and then the children: the parents' responsibilities, treasures, and blessings. That was His plan. But now it seems the world has another plan. They put children first: the head of the home, next the mom: the child's help meet, and finally the father: the provider of every desire of their child. This, however, does not make for a peaceful home or help the children to grow into responsible adults.

Why does the world's plan not work? Think about it. Does a child have the wisdom or knowledge to consider how eating ice cream all day will affect him immediately as well as years down the road? No. Does a child understand that staying up at night until she can't keep her eyes open any longer will impact her mood, health, and brain function the next day? No. And what about giving your child the right to spend your money on their every wish and desire? Does that teach them the value of money? the lesson of learning to be content? the virtue of thinking of others before themselves? No. It only teaches them that their desires will always be met and there is no one more important than themselves, producing selfish and undisciplined adults.

So, what do we do with this world philosophy? We set it aside and we look to the Bible to find God's philosophy. “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.” (Prov. 22:6 NIV) Right there we see that it should not be our goal to have happy children all day long...at any cost. We have a responsibility to set them on the right road to living a meaningful life. Think for a minute of what you envision God wanting to do with their lives. There is no way for us to know His plans for them, but we do know that there are very basic qualities He desires for every human being to possess. It's as simple as the fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Gal. 5:22-23). Please sit for a few minutes and carefully read over these qualities. Does your child demonstrate them? Of course children will still be children, but it is never to early to begin instilling these traits. Your reward will be so worth the efforts you put into raising your children to fear and serve the Lord.

So now you have a decision to make. What are you going to do with these verses? What are you going to do with your children's futures? You have an amazing calling as parents, but you have to follow God and His leading each day.